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But it's pretty incredible that you actually managed to write an entire book! Congratulations on how successful it is and

maybe sorry for breaking the whole anonymity thing?

I wouldn't think it'd be something you'd go for.

But thank you? Getting a pat on the back here is a lot better than other things that could've happened with being found out.

One of us wrote a book! How could I not want to know what it's about?

Besides what else did you think was gonna happen? It's not like I'm going to out you to the network or anything

Well, I don't think you'd do something like that.
I wrote about a lot of people, though, and a lot of personal things. That stuff can probably cause people to change their minds about you.

I think it would be a lot easier to be upset if you didn't write so much stuff that was really personal to you too. I mean maybe you should have asked a few people but that would defeat the whole anonymity thing

Why'd you do it?

Lots of reasons, I guess.
It's difficult for me to articulate my feelings in the moment, so I hold on to them. It's always such a relief to get them out, though, and it helps me to put myself and everything around me in order. That sort of thing.
I want it to lend humanity to imPorts, too. It's, like, mutant paranoia, but I'm always afraid of what people think of us.
So I don't know. I want people to know that I exist and that I have these feelings and experiences, just without the extra stress of them knowing who I actually am.

I think I get the journaling thing but that's pretty different from letting the whole world read it. I don't think I could do that.

But it's brave of you to do it. From what I've been seeing on TV all the time I think that you might have done some serious good. It's better for people to see us as people than just as criminals or charity machines

I don't know about brave, considering that I AM still hiding from what I've done, in a sense. I hope it DOES do some good, though, and that that good has some staying power.

This place is where I live, now. I want everything to be better than what I had before.

Well you have to admit that anyone who actually knows you would know exactly who they were reading about. You didn't take many authorly liberties or whatever

But you wrote about some heavy stuff there too

Yeah. I was editing everything, and I realized that I'm pretty much the opposite of a lighthearted person sometimes. Haha.

I guess I figured... If anybody who knows me read it, then they can change their minds about me if they want to, good or bad. I want people to know my honest self, and I worry that I'm still not good at it. What else can you do but lay everything bare, right?

[He still couldn't do it, he thinks. It would be too personal, too much, and Jaime's just too private of a person for even anonymously pouring his heart out.]

Did getting it down make you feel a little better though? I'd hate for you to feel that way all the time

I think so. That kind of stuff doesn't leave you completely, but
I don't know.
It's sad to think that nobody even knows how you feel or knows anything about you. It's relieving to know that somebody else is holding onto that knowledge for you. It's existing outside of yourself, you know? And you learn that people can relate to you in one way or another, or at least sympathize.

It's like leaving a legacy behind. All these people who will never meet you will remember you now I guess

[Is it about that? About leaving behind a memory for people to hold onto if she disappears too? Jaime can almost imagine Armin doing something like this.]

If it's about someone knowing you though does that mean that you'll go public wth it eventually?

I don't know. Maybe if I write more that isn't actually focused on me, or if I'm ever able to move far enough away from what's already out there.

I feel like I'm awful at explaining my reasons here, or that there's holes in everything I've done. There's something different in being sort of an entity as opposed to being an ACTUAL person that people can come and find, maybe?

Plus, I spelled out all of my vulnerabilities. If people knew who I am, they'd show up just to feel sorry for me. I couldn't handle all of that attention. I want people to meet me and then decide to like me, not the other way around.

You're allowed to have holes in stuff you've done you know. It's not like any of us are logical 100% of the time

but yeah I can get not wanting to just come out with it. You should prepare yourself for the possibility though. If I could tell it was you then I bet that a bunch of other people will be able to too

I guess I hoped anybody who could know would be discreet about it. You're right, though.

I don't know if there's an actual way to prepare for that, though. It's sort of a 'cross that bridge when you come to it' thing.

I guess. But there's a big difference between knowing that it could happen and being totally caught by surprise you know? It's no fun being blindsided

I know it could happen. I'd just prefer to avoid it right now.

Anyway, the longer I'll stay here, the more I'll write. I'm going to have to get to a point where I'll show my face eventually. I'm just trying to take it slow, same as I do pretty much everything else.

Already working on the sequel?

You could also tackle fiction too you know. Now that you got fans

I was planning on it. In a currently non-specific way. I just have to figure out what else I can write that people will want to read.

Why don't you just focus on what you would want to read?

Have we not established that my interests are lame?

If that's the case then there's a bunch of people out there with lame interests. You're not the only person buying all those books you know

Well, yeah. There's that.

What can I write that hasn't been written before in that ballpark, though? My own experience in certain fields is pretty lacking. All I've got is eternally unresolved relationship drama and a whole lot of nothing.

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fridgeflower - 2015-11-21 22:46 (UTC) - Expand

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